I am going to tell you a real story – story of a young lady I met quite by accident in Bucharest. This story strengthened my heart. It is quite normal to have doubts, even the Prophets had them. The day I met Nur[1], I was on the lowest rung of Iman. I was in a complaining mood and poured out questions to Allah. I often do that. Life has taught me to depend only on him. I went to the Mosque where I study the Arabic pronunciation of the Koran from a very able young lady from Jordan. I was earlier than usual, a reflection of my state of restlessness! I entered the room to find a beautiful girl wearing hijab. She got up from the table where she was working and with an apology for being there, was about to leave. I told her I was early and so there was no hurry. Then we introduced ourselves. Her name was Nur, she told me though she added she had been called Anca before, a very common name in Bucharest. ‘So you are a convert?” I asked. She said yes and on further questioning gave me a brief idea of how she had converted, not sufficient information but enough to wet my curiosity.
I requested her to visit me at my house and complete the story. So she came. What she told me made me much stronger and removed all doubts. I want you to ponder over the details. It is only the truth that I speak.
Nur had had a very unfortunate life since her child hood. She had parents and a sister but they were not a happy family. Her father was very difficult, her mother very weak and they had been subjected to a lot of abuse. One hoped that marriage would have bought her some relief but she was married against her will and subjected to more abuse. She did not want to dwell over the past or shame anyone because Islam has healed her. She said that she had realized with her conversion that,” One cannot live with hate and fear.” One has to let go. She has forgiven everyone and does not want them to be blamed. This act of forgiveness has been described in Koran as the quality of the people of the Paradise.
It was 15th of July 2001, Nur had reached a point where every moment of her life seemed unbearable. She decided to commit suicide .She could not suffer another day of her life. Every thing looked bleak, hopeless and meaningless. I think it is really hard to translate the exact state of mind and emotions of a person who is going to kill himself. She had planned it all, pre-pondered the reactions of her family and consoled herself with the eventual acceptance of the tragedy by her mother who meant a lot to her. At the time, Nur was working in a Turkish shop in Bucharest. Her boss would often get exasperated with her staff and throw up her hands in the air, exclaiming “Ya Allah!” When she asked a fellow assistant for explanation he told her that she was calling out to her God. Nur (I forget it was before or after this day) had gone to the church. She was used to doing that, she had always been God fearing and in times of desperation often called out to her gods. She was crying in church when the priest came to her and by way of consoling her mildly chided her, saying,” why don’t you go out and have fun? You are young, enjoy your life. Get a boy friend, go out to a disco, drink and be merry!” This was a deciding interaction. It finally convinced her that the church liturgy had no answers for her. She wanted something that could satisfy her within, make peace within her.
On the morning of 15th of July, the day she wanted to end her life, it was a Sunday and she was working in the shop. Some faint hope within her incited her to call out once again. But this time she called out to the God of the Turkish lady. She said clearly," Ya Allah, if you are the God, help me! Give me a clear sign - a sign that will tell me that you know what is happening to me, that you care. If I know that you are there and will reward me later for all the pain I have borne, I will go on but if not then I cannot bear living and I will end my life today."
And she went to work. As was to be expected she was very preoccupied but also waiting , for a response! It was nearing closing time, around six or seven o’clock in the evening when another customer walked in the door. She was sitting on the till and counting the money from the sales of the day. She found the task very hard. She fumbled several times and dropped the money, having to recount again and again. She did no bother to look up. A man came to the counter and said he wanted to buy a carpet and maybe some silver ornamental piece. She directed him with her hand as to where to look for them BUT did not look up. I don’t remember all the details of the conversation except the crucial sentences since she emphasized them. He said something else and she still did not look up but indicated with a gesture. In the face of such disregard almost rudeness, the man was forced to ask, "Ma'am, have I said something to offend you, why do you not look up?" Of course, this question had the desired effect and Nur raised her head. What happened next according to her cannot be described. The look in those eyes cut her in half as though with a knife. It was as though her body had been sliced into two halves. She could not look away and sat transfixed. This alarmed her and she began groping for the alarm button in order to alert the security. The customer, however followed her gesture and said, “Why are you calling security? I have not come to hurt you. I am just a visitor to the city and came here for gifts.” Then looking closely he read her face and asked, “Are you Okay?” She said nothing all this while but he seemed to have sensed her anguish because he continued, "I think you need help." Then as though he had suddenly some urgent business, he said,” I will be back in 15 minutes, just pack for me a carpet that you like and a nice silver piece. I will buy it,” and he left.
Nur said that I found myself trusting him and got up and packed what he had asked for. However the fifteen minutes extended to thirty minutes and he had still not come. She began to think that he was not returning when a voice behind her told him that he had come back. He came to her and held out a book, saying “This is your Book” and requested her to read it before she did anything. Nur said that it was overwhelming; almost frightening as to how he seemed to discern so much from her silence. Then he paid her cash, adding another two hundred dollars for her. She hesitated, but he insisted saying that he wanted nothing from her. He was leaving Bucharest in a couple of hours. Then he left.
Nur in her rather bewildered state of mind prepared to leave also. Her mind totally over whelmed, the idea of suicide forgotten. She got way finally and went to sit on the steps outside the Intercontinental hotel which was on her way home. She opened the Book. It was the Koran but she says she could not understand very much. However, she had got her answer - He is All hearing, All knowing. These qualities of Allah are often described in the Koran. She sat there for hours and finally walked home which was a long distance away. She reached around two o’clock in the morning. Her father was very angry and she went to bed with the Koran under her pillow.
The next morning she went back to work. Her boss called her. The security cameras trained on the sales counter had captured the total details of the encounter. They wanted an explanation. Nur had to tell them everything. Her boss was very upset that she had not sensed her anguish and told her that she cannot work at the shop. Nur cried out at this – she needed the money to sustain her. But that is not what the Turkish lady had meant. She was to have a salary but she would be spending her days at the library in her house, studying about Islam. Every day Nur went there and read everything from history, to religion, to art, to literature… and when in the evening the lady and her husband would return, she would poise questions that they clarified. Finally, after a couple of months she went to the mosque. The first time she heard the azan, she said it hit her in the heart and she knew she was right in her decision. She took the Shahadah and became a Muslim. The Muslims became her family. Her own family, on the other hand left her and so did her friends. However, after a year her mother came backto find her and when she heard the Azan, she spontaneously commented that she knew why her daughter had converted. Since I have heard this, I ponder over the Azan. We have simply got used to it. It means little to us because the soul is no longer something we feel the need to nurture.
On the back of the Koran, the gentlemen who visited the shop had left his name and address. Nur called him and found out that he was a Muslim scholar from Saudi Arabia who had been in Bucharest attending a conference. He had been passing by that shop for many days. But on that particular evening he decided to walk in on a moment’s decision. He had consulted fellow scholars on his return and they had agreed that he had been guided that day. He said he was not especially gifted and could not explain the expression in his eyes or the fact that he knew she was going to do something desperate. He went to the mosque to get the Koran since he could do nothing else, given his limited stay in the city.
I have taken the liberty of writing this story. Nur met me twice only. I volunteered to write her story but she was hesitant. I hope she writes it herself one day because when I listened to it the first time I was not taking down notes and now I regret it. I have tried to say exactly as I heard it and left out some comments that I was not sure I had heard correct. But the effect of this incident is so important that it had to be told.
[1] Name has been changed
I requested her to visit me at my house and complete the story. So she came. What she told me made me much stronger and removed all doubts. I want you to ponder over the details. It is only the truth that I speak.
Nur had had a very unfortunate life since her child hood. She had parents and a sister but they were not a happy family. Her father was very difficult, her mother very weak and they had been subjected to a lot of abuse. One hoped that marriage would have bought her some relief but she was married against her will and subjected to more abuse. She did not want to dwell over the past or shame anyone because Islam has healed her. She said that she had realized with her conversion that,” One cannot live with hate and fear.” One has to let go. She has forgiven everyone and does not want them to be blamed. This act of forgiveness has been described in Koran as the quality of the people of the Paradise.
It was 15th of July 2001, Nur had reached a point where every moment of her life seemed unbearable. She decided to commit suicide .She could not suffer another day of her life. Every thing looked bleak, hopeless and meaningless. I think it is really hard to translate the exact state of mind and emotions of a person who is going to kill himself. She had planned it all, pre-pondered the reactions of her family and consoled herself with the eventual acceptance of the tragedy by her mother who meant a lot to her. At the time, Nur was working in a Turkish shop in Bucharest. Her boss would often get exasperated with her staff and throw up her hands in the air, exclaiming “Ya Allah!” When she asked a fellow assistant for explanation he told her that she was calling out to her God. Nur (I forget it was before or after this day) had gone to the church. She was used to doing that, she had always been God fearing and in times of desperation often called out to her gods. She was crying in church when the priest came to her and by way of consoling her mildly chided her, saying,” why don’t you go out and have fun? You are young, enjoy your life. Get a boy friend, go out to a disco, drink and be merry!” This was a deciding interaction. It finally convinced her that the church liturgy had no answers for her. She wanted something that could satisfy her within, make peace within her.
On the morning of 15th of July, the day she wanted to end her life, it was a Sunday and she was working in the shop. Some faint hope within her incited her to call out once again. But this time she called out to the God of the Turkish lady. She said clearly," Ya Allah, if you are the God, help me! Give me a clear sign - a sign that will tell me that you know what is happening to me, that you care. If I know that you are there and will reward me later for all the pain I have borne, I will go on but if not then I cannot bear living and I will end my life today."
And she went to work. As was to be expected she was very preoccupied but also waiting , for a response! It was nearing closing time, around six or seven o’clock in the evening when another customer walked in the door. She was sitting on the till and counting the money from the sales of the day. She found the task very hard. She fumbled several times and dropped the money, having to recount again and again. She did no bother to look up. A man came to the counter and said he wanted to buy a carpet and maybe some silver ornamental piece. She directed him with her hand as to where to look for them BUT did not look up. I don’t remember all the details of the conversation except the crucial sentences since she emphasized them. He said something else and she still did not look up but indicated with a gesture. In the face of such disregard almost rudeness, the man was forced to ask, "Ma'am, have I said something to offend you, why do you not look up?" Of course, this question had the desired effect and Nur raised her head. What happened next according to her cannot be described. The look in those eyes cut her in half as though with a knife. It was as though her body had been sliced into two halves. She could not look away and sat transfixed. This alarmed her and she began groping for the alarm button in order to alert the security. The customer, however followed her gesture and said, “Why are you calling security? I have not come to hurt you. I am just a visitor to the city and came here for gifts.” Then looking closely he read her face and asked, “Are you Okay?” She said nothing all this while but he seemed to have sensed her anguish because he continued, "I think you need help." Then as though he had suddenly some urgent business, he said,” I will be back in 15 minutes, just pack for me a carpet that you like and a nice silver piece. I will buy it,” and he left.
Nur said that I found myself trusting him and got up and packed what he had asked for. However the fifteen minutes extended to thirty minutes and he had still not come. She began to think that he was not returning when a voice behind her told him that he had come back. He came to her and held out a book, saying “This is your Book” and requested her to read it before she did anything. Nur said that it was overwhelming; almost frightening as to how he seemed to discern so much from her silence. Then he paid her cash, adding another two hundred dollars for her. She hesitated, but he insisted saying that he wanted nothing from her. He was leaving Bucharest in a couple of hours. Then he left.
Nur in her rather bewildered state of mind prepared to leave also. Her mind totally over whelmed, the idea of suicide forgotten. She got way finally and went to sit on the steps outside the Intercontinental hotel which was on her way home. She opened the Book. It was the Koran but she says she could not understand very much. However, she had got her answer - He is All hearing, All knowing. These qualities of Allah are often described in the Koran. She sat there for hours and finally walked home which was a long distance away. She reached around two o’clock in the morning. Her father was very angry and she went to bed with the Koran under her pillow.
The next morning she went back to work. Her boss called her. The security cameras trained on the sales counter had captured the total details of the encounter. They wanted an explanation. Nur had to tell them everything. Her boss was very upset that she had not sensed her anguish and told her that she cannot work at the shop. Nur cried out at this – she needed the money to sustain her. But that is not what the Turkish lady had meant. She was to have a salary but she would be spending her days at the library in her house, studying about Islam. Every day Nur went there and read everything from history, to religion, to art, to literature… and when in the evening the lady and her husband would return, she would poise questions that they clarified. Finally, after a couple of months she went to the mosque. The first time she heard the azan, she said it hit her in the heart and she knew she was right in her decision. She took the Shahadah and became a Muslim. The Muslims became her family. Her own family, on the other hand left her and so did her friends. However, after a year her mother came backto find her and when she heard the Azan, she spontaneously commented that she knew why her daughter had converted. Since I have heard this, I ponder over the Azan. We have simply got used to it. It means little to us because the soul is no longer something we feel the need to nurture.
On the back of the Koran, the gentlemen who visited the shop had left his name and address. Nur called him and found out that he was a Muslim scholar from Saudi Arabia who had been in Bucharest attending a conference. He had been passing by that shop for many days. But on that particular evening he decided to walk in on a moment’s decision. He had consulted fellow scholars on his return and they had agreed that he had been guided that day. He said he was not especially gifted and could not explain the expression in his eyes or the fact that he knew she was going to do something desperate. He went to the mosque to get the Koran since he could do nothing else, given his limited stay in the city.
I have taken the liberty of writing this story. Nur met me twice only. I volunteered to write her story but she was hesitant. I hope she writes it herself one day because when I listened to it the first time I was not taking down notes and now I regret it. I have tried to say exactly as I heard it and left out some comments that I was not sure I had heard correct. But the effect of this incident is so important that it had to be told.
[1] Name has been changed
